Sep. 2020; Not all those who wander, are lost

Throughout the course of my life, I’ve been considered a little odd from time to time. Not special, not weird as such, but a little odd. Several life choices I’ve made have been considered by others as unusual, to say the least. Quitting certain jobs, leaving certain girlfriends, not buying that house in central London because I “didn’t want the financial responsibility and I wanted to drive a T-Bird across America” (in all honesty that was a bloody stupid choice, I never even got to America, and if I’d bought that place I’d be rich AF right now.)

My arrival on these fair shores seemed to reinforce my occasional oddness, after being met with the usual barrage of questions that curious people here all seem keen to unravel the answers to;

1. Where are you from? (“England.” “Aaah, UK. British. Fish and chips. Manchester United.”)

2. Can you speak Chinese? (“Nihao.” “Waaah your Chinese so good!”)

3. Do you like Chinese food? (“Yes, some, but I’m vegetarian so it’s sometimes difficult to find places to eat here.” “Why you don’t eat meat? I have to eat meat every day or I die.”)

4. What’s your job? (“Musician.” “Aaaah, you so cool, famous.”) *side note; by careful asking of this question, said questioner can also gauge your income. Depending on answer, and depending on questioner, conversation may end here. Example; man in his forties may continue to ask about Pink Floyd, the Beatles etc, and show genuine interest, whereas cheap digging hookup girl knows that musicians are mostly a broke species, and will walk off continuing her search for investment banker, factory owner, IT guy and so on.

5. Are you married? (“No.”) BAM. Now here’s the one that seemed to create mass confusion and near anarchy in questioners minds. *side note; before we continue, questioners have now evolved this line of enquiry to “is your family here?” By way of this simple change they can now seemingly politely find out if you’re married, do you have kids, are they here or are not, do you want to have kids, and possibly if you prefer boys or girls. Very smart.

But back to the elephant in the room. “Why you not married?” So, I came to China as a just-turned 34 year old, full of beans and green as grass as to what life had in store for me here in the grand old PRC. I was completely unaware of many of the social and personal intricacies and expectations people have here, and therefore answered questions totally honestly. Which, in hindsight, could have been handled better. “Why aren’t you married?” Before I could muster up a suitable answer to this (usually “just haven’t met the right girl yet”) oftentimes said questioner would add another question before I had chance to speak. “You don’t like girls? You divorced already? Are you sick? What’s wrong with you?” I heard all these and many, many more, before I figured out my machine gun answer that guaranteed an end to all other lines of questioning. “I’m gay. You know, many Englishmen are gay.” This would have aforementioned questioner wide-eyed and awkwardly nod a few times, make an uncomfortable pleasantry, and hastily leave me alone. Perfect. (and upon hearing this answer, questioner would immediately go back to their table and tell everyone present at it, who would then in turn all glance over with looks ranging from blank indifference to vehement disapproval and near disgust. You can’t please them all, and I never cared to.

For the persistent ones, upon finding out you are not married the next go-to question would be about children. Do you like kids. Do you want kids. People presume that by not being married you don’t have offspring, but where I’m from 2+2 does not always equal 4. Hundreds of thousands of people in the UK have kids as a single parent, by choice or otherwise. Many couples have kids but choose to not get married, and many married couples choose to not have any kids at all. But to many, the rule of thumb here is;

single=no kids, married=kids, married and no kids=problem, single and over 30=every person in your family, including your ancestors, are totally ashamed of you.

Personally, I like kids. Or at least, I like good kids. But that’s the thing, there no bad kids per se, only bad parenting. You see a good kid, I see a good parent. I’ve never been shy about this personal assertion, but it has been met with conflict several times over the years. “You don’t have kids, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” No, but I was one. You see, when I was a kid, things like manners and respect were firmly instilled in me from my earliest memories. There was simply no question about it; you did what your parents told you to do, first time, no arguments or whining. You absolutely never answered back to any adult. You held the door for ladies (any lady) and helped mum carry the shopping. You respected your elders, whether that’s someone you knew or a total stranger. You didn’t hit people, throw things, or say bad words. (I remember once when I was a kid and trying to be cool in front of my friend, I said the word piss in the presence of my Nan. She hit me so hard round the back of my head I thought she’d knocked all my teeth out.) But this wasn’t just me, all my friends were taught the same. Sure, we’d get together and punch and swear and kick and scream and make each other cry, but when any adult was around we were quiet little heavenly cherubs. But now I see things have changed. Now I see kids ignoring adults requests, hitting and screaming at grandparents, and parents having to pacify kids with promises of sweets and toys, just to do what they asked them to do. Many parents blame the school teachers for their kids being horrible little buttwipes, but no, incorrect. Teaching education, manners, respect and morals are the job of the parents long before they get to school age. And just how many times have I seen parents arguing with their kid and losing! Hint; If you’re an adult and you’re losing an argument with a child, you really need to think long and hard about where you went wrong.

But now we are faced with somewhat of another hot potato; people choosing to not have children. The one child policy may be history, but many people have now made the choice not to even manufacture one little lump of joy, never mind 2 or 3. Simply the cost of having children is a major factor, but even facing the near-certain family pressure, many people are prioritizing their careers and personal happiness over them producing future generations. And good for them! One thing I’ve learned over the years is that you can’t live your life for other people. If you aren’t making yourself happy, how can you be expected to make others happy? And becoming a parent is not some small commitment you can shake off when you’re bored of it; it’s a lifetime promise to that small squishy lump that you’ll put them before yourself, about everything, unquestionably, for the next quarter century or so. If you can’t guarantee that, get a goldfish.

In my own logic, I think it’s an somewhat of an admirable thing to not have kids. The world really doesn’t need more people in it. After reading a bunch of scientific research on this subject, it turns out the earths capacity is around 10 billion people, give or take. That’s basically when our planet doesn’t have the means, space or ability to produce enough food for everyone. We are destined to reach 9 billion by 2050. Few decades later, and we’ll reach that capacity 10-bil. We are already destroying our planet and every life form on it to extinction, all in the name of progress and consumerism. We’re getting richer; we want more, eat more, fly more, use more, and we have no intention of slowing down. Us, and past generations, have seen the good years, but what will our kids face? Yes of course, people will learn to incorporate new methods for living, sustainability, recycling and so on. Maybe we’ll become a planet of vegans who all use bicycles every day. (Yeh, see you doubt that as much as I do.) And of course we all have “the right” to produce offspring, but having a few of us choose to not add more people to the world cannot be a thing to frown upon.

But having kids must be a pretty joyful thing. Having a little you running around, seeing them smile and talk and learn stuff has melted the hearts of all parents. I’d love to have a kid to take to the park, kick a ball around, buy cool little Air Jordans for, teach to swim and paint and get daddy a beer from the fridge. But having kids for ill-thought out reasons seems so wrong in so many ways to me. If you’re in a bad relationship, having a baby won’t fix it. If your family are piling on so much pressure to reproduce, having kids will only result in more personal pressure, not less. If you think having a child will make you, as an unhappy or an unloved person, feel happy or loved, then guess what? It surely won’t. But if you are one of those who choose to not bring more people into the world then hold your head high, and be proud to stand by your choice. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is your life, and you are the only one living it. Just because you choose a different path in life to others, does not mean you are lost. You are just carving your own route out. We all deserve to be happy, to be fulfilled and feel love and joy and warmth. You do it however you see fit.