Feb. 2021; Great expectations

I’ve never been much of a telly watcher. When I was a kid I was as glued to the goggle-box as much as anyone I knew, but after certain body parts dropped and hair started to grow in funny places I replaced TV with books, and never really looked back. Sure, over the years there’s been a few series that really drawn me in, but I could count them on one hand. When I see these people (usually girls) with their faces transfixed to their phone screens, watching these frightfully lame series’ (usually costume period dramas) I just blankly fail to understand the attraction. Badly scripted, terribly acted, over performed drivel that does nothing much more than offer a distraction to the regular world of normal life. The only time I really enjoy watching TV is when I’m staying in some hotel, and then delving through the channels has become some sort of ritual for me. I’ve spent hours clicking through the wildlife documentaries, the come to this place, it’s beautiful travel shows, the shopping channels selling you the most inanely useless crap it’s hard to believe they don’t have to give them away, the aforementioned costume period dramas (bright silk shiny clothes, white faced girls fawning over handsome warrior-poet types, lots of romance minus the actual sex or any actual body contact part), the cooking shows full of yellow-brown soft lumps of god-knows-what, and most pathetically the never ending China/Japan world war dramas (let’s not move forward with feelings of peace for the future, let’s just keep dragging up the incorrectly chronicled past and regurgitating this mindless blind racist bile knowing that idiots are easily pacified. Ugh.) But, there’s one TV show I simply cannot, will not, miss. And that’s the CCTV New Year Special. Oh lordy, lordy me, now that’s a show. I’ve been an avid viewer of it since my first CNY back in 2011. Now in the UK we have variety shows, something similar but shorter, quieter, and really rather somber in comparison. The first time I sat through the CCTV special I felt really quite blown away by how much I enjoyed those several hours of entertainment, of which I understood about 2% of.

And I tuned in to watch the 2012 one too. Also very good. Not better, but as good nonetheless. And so on. Until around about 2016, when I felt a noticeable decline in quality. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it just failed to instill those feelings of joy and wonderment as previous years had. “Maybe next year will be better,” I told myself. But next year rolled around, and it was the same story. It was worse than the last year. “Next year has to be better” I helplessly hoped. But nope. This has gone on until now, every year getting that little bit worse. Talent and creative originality being replaced with god-awful CGI graphics, frightful costumes that look like they were designed by the teletubbies, sickly sweet kids singing songs that make you want to puke, and wooden presenters with ridiculous false smiles stuck permanently on their faces like tranquillized performing chimpanzees. This year was easily the worst so far. I invested several hours of viewing time, only to be disappointed, yet again, and still I tell myself next year has to be better. But, herein lies my point, and my topic for this weeks Sunday scribble. Did the show disappoint me, or did I actually just disappoint myself?…

Throughout life we dream up these great expectations, and have them materialize (or not) with varying degrees of success and un-success. We expect to do well in our education, and some do (others) and some do not (me.) We then expect to find a reasonable job with a reasonable salary, attract a mate, live life, eat well and be happy. Sounds simple right? Well a lot of things sound simple, but that doesn’t make it so. Repeating the alphabet backwards sounds simple, but try it. Raising a kid that doesn’t talk in a movie theatre sounds simple too, but we’ve all fallen victim to that noisy little shit. We make our judgements based on differing amounts of previously harvested mental evidence, and go with the best odds. If I drive home after 2 beers I’ll probably be alright, but if I have 2 more I’ll probably wrap the car around a tree. So why, in any given example situation, would we feel bent out of shape if the odds didn’t work in our favour? Anything less than a 100% guaranteed sure-thing is a gamble we choose, or choose not, to take. We can’t even be sure we will wake up tomorrow morning. And the odds are even further out of our favour when we introduce another person into the equation. Let’s take for example, family.

Now, a great deal of us are raised in the warm bosom of two loving parents, who do their utmost for us to ensure a happy life and pleasant upbringing. And as we gradually evolve into our teenage years we expect them to support us further with love, care, attention and finance until we’re good and ready to stand on our own two feet. And for many, this is exactly how it plays out. But not for all. Some are left fending for themselves at much earlier stages, and are the parents to blame for that, as such? Life didn’t go quite as they expected it to. In our early years we look at our peers and gauge the norm, this is how things just are. But the norm for many is not the norm for all. Your friend goes to Peking university and gets bought a car for graduation, but you have to finish school and go work in a factory, buying yourself a bicycle to get there. Now that’s one big disappointment. Too young to fly, but it’s time to leave the nest.

Let’s take another example, relationships. Now human beings are herding animals. We like, and we need, company. When we’re in our romantically foolish and puppy loved late teens/early twenties we mostly see the world through rose tinted glasses. We meet someone special and it’s all hearts and flowers, cupid draws back his bow and you take an arrow right in the chest. You date. Maybe you marry. But then eventually things start to….cool off, shall we say. The sexy lace underwear you used to look forward to experiencing on date nights has morphed into grey cotton granny pants thrown in the laundry. The undivided attention and impeccable manners has been slowly replaced with staring at a phone screen during mealtimes and the occasional fart. You look at this partner and wonder what went wrong. Why did they stop trying. What happened to the romance, the flowers, the endless late night phone calls and the hidden love bites. And as an unintended ramification, you try less, too. Bad goes to worse. Resentment builds, the playful disagreements turn to full on rows, and before you know it you’re smiling whilst sipping your coffee as you imagine them being involved in a dreadful “accident.” Another example. You meet the person of your dreams, they are smart and funny and loving and creative, you’re both head over heels and you hurry to blissfully tie the knot, but in time a problem rears its ugly head.. you find out they can’t have children. You attempt to, unsuccessfully, over and over, but it’s just not gonna happen. You try to not let it poison your thoughts and your feelings, but of course it does. You start to blame this person, even love this person less, because, through no fault of their own, they cannot give you what you want. This is not how it’s meant to be, surely..

I feel one big issue is that sometimes we let presumptions fill in the gaps for us. But as a wise person once said, “presumption is the mother of all fuck ups.” We presume and assume (there’s a difference) a great many things along our journey, and yet we still feel buggered over when things don’t happen the way we want them to. 2021 just has to be better than 2020. But a flash car and expensive watch does not mean a nice man. C-cup bra does not guarantee C-cup coconuts. But who disappointed you, them? Or did you convince yourself of the truth before you actually knew it. And that’s where my point lies. I truly believe that a vast amount of our personal disappointments are conjured up in our own minds. We just expect, presume and assume too much of others, of situations, and even sometimes of ourselves. Some work themselves like a machine, assuming by doing so they’ll be financially secure in the near future, but they didn’t foresee the heart attack coming. Some people presume that one day my prince will come, but didn’t imagine the loneliness of that wait. You’ve got to kiss a few frogs before you discover your prince. Now if we were to put a little spin on this we might see it all a lot more favourably. If we were to tell ourselves a little more often than nothing is truly certain, cut our expectations and our assumptions down a little and bring our courage up a little, there’s many beautiful things living in that gap between expectations vs. reality. I wonder how many times in our lives we’ve experienced those little “happy accidents,” an unexpected outcome when we are usually chasing something different altogether. Sometimes they happen completely out of the blue, good things occasionally fall from the sky. But my guess would be that many of these unexpected little gems come to us when we pluck up a little bravery and take a risk, even when the odds tell us not to. Now I’m not saying we stick our necks out and laugh death in the face, but it’s proven true that fortune favours the brave.

When things go wrong, when bad stuff happens to good people (which it frequently does, and vice versa unfortunately) our go-to cry of self sympathy is “life’s not fair!” Well, guess what. Nobody ever said it was. And that, in itself, is a gem. Life isn’t fair. It would be damned boring if it was. Life’s a rollercoaster. When you’re at the bottom the only way is up, and when you’re at the top you can only look down. I say enjoy the ride. Rock the boat a little. Life is one big gamble, and many people choose to play it safe. And that’s fine for them. But if you go to the casino and only throw in your chips on the safest bets, you really aren’t gonna experience the thrill much. When I’m faced with a situation, a change maybe or a possible opportunity, I ask myself not only what should I do, but also what could I do. What are all the options. And in those options, what’s the worst thing that could possibly happen. I’m here, living very happily in China, because of a gamble. I left my life in London, the band I was with who were starting to attract some success, the jobs I actually enjoyed, the friends, the relationship and the comfy apartment, the car and motorcycle and holidays around Europe, I left all this to go try a place across the other side of the world, a place I’d never heard of, in a culture I knew nothing about, surrounded by strangers, for about a quarter of the salary. It was, by far, the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. It was also the best.

A couple of weeks ago I asked people to take part in a very small experiment. I asked people to tell someone they love them. Now of the number of people who read that article, my guess would be probably less than 1% did. But was that out of apathy? Or embarrassment? Or was it the assumption that the person spoken to might think they are mental. It’s a risk, and we don’t like risks. I wouldn’t ask anyone to do anything they aren’t comfortable with, but if you are perhaps feeling a little courage inside, maybe it’s time to take that risk. Try that spicy dish. Apply for that job. Pick up a brush a paint a picture. Go speak to that guy. What’s the worst that could possibly happen?