Apr. 2021; Don’t worry. Be happy
Dogs. Dogs dogs dogs. Anybody who knows me also knows my love of our 4 legged best friends. They love us, crave our affection, and trust us even after mistreatment. The statement “we don’t deserve dogs” is one I cannot agree with more. Personally, when I see people posting endless photos of their newborn baby I get sick of it very fast, and that person is quickly blocked from my wechat (yes, I do that.) But if someone posts photos of dogs I’m right there like a barren old childless spinster, oooh-ing and aah-ing like a buffoon. When we are out on our regular photo walks I’m forever cuddling and stroking random dogs I encounter, may they be pets or homeless, wild or domesticated, they’re all my new furry friends I’m just desperate to make a fuss of. And in my whole life, I’ve never been bitten by a dog. That was, until last week in Shanghai.
*Side note; Right, now I know this is gonna infuriate some out there, but take a hint; Nobody cares about your bloody baby photos as much as you do. Yes, when you first hatch out a little soft ball of miracle into the world it’s natural you want to show it off, and social media is the often the first time a baby is announced unto the planet. But the planet doesn’t need to see updates of this screaming lump every damn day. “Oooh look how cute she is when she yawns!” I. and the rest of us. Do. Not. Care. Please, intelligent and level headed friends, do not become a baby bore. It’s frightfully desperate and middle aged.
Now, I use the term “bitten” very loosely. There was a fluffy little white dog tied up outside a shop, and as I always do, I stroll over and start talking to it, making a fuss of it, and generally doing all the things I hate that people do to babies. And then the little shitball gave me what I consider a playful lovebite. But, it did make me jump. The owner came out and was extremely apologetic, and I tried my best to explain that it’s absolutely no big deal, and that it was entirely my fault for touching random unknown dogs. Hands were washed thoroughly, we continued on, but it was heavily advised that I go get a shot for rabies and tetanus. Then, precisely at that moment, the feeling of dread washed over me like a wave of blackened nightmares. Hospitals. Now it’s not that I’m scared of hospitals, I just really don’t like them. I’m not scared of durian fruit either, but I bloody well don’t like it.
So the next morning we dutifully toddle along to some hospital in Shanghai, several health QR codes and temperature checks later and I get 2 injections in my arms and one in my ageing old butt. Fine. All done, then on for Joes pizza (very much recommended.) But the bad news was that I had to go another two times for more shots when I got back to sunny Shenzhen. Oh dear, this was not good news. In my life I’ve only had to go to hospital a handful of times thankfully, and only 3 time since living in Shenzhen. But let me tell you, my experience of Shenzhen hospitals is akin to an OCD cleanliness freak having to use countryside bus station toilets. It makes me shudder. Every now and then I teach an English corner at one of the better hospitals in Shenzhen, to a room full of delightful, professional people, and the experience is always an extremely pleasant one. And it’s always an extremely pleasant experience because I’m not in that hospital as a patient. It’s not that I’m scared of needles or injections, I have tattoos and previously had some face piercings, so it’s not that. I just feel that hospitals, to me, are not the place to get better, they’re the place you get sick (especially in a time like this, with the virus still very much of our day to day lives.) So back in Shenzhen a few days later, and it’s off to the hospital for injection number 2. Needless to say, an entirely miserable hour and a half later of both being ignored and spoken to like crap, and my 10 second injection was done. I will quote a local friend now, who once said to me “Shenzhen is a tier-1 city, with tier-2 education, and tier-3 healthcare. And a whole lot of tier-4 people.” With this, I wholeheartedly agree.
Earlier today I was in the elevator, going down to take my lovely little dog Chupacabra out for his dinner time walk. At one floor the elevator stops, a senior lady is staring somewhat mystified at her phone screen, and walks a step into the lift before noticing my dog. But when she did she just freaked. She screamed “DOG!!!” and jumped her old bones out of that lift probably quicker than she’d moved for decades. As the doors closed I could still hear her yelling and making a huge deal out of it, still shouting and cursing until her voice faded away as I descended. Now my dog is far from intimidating. He had a very rough start in life (see ******* to understand just how rough) and so he’s missing a few teeth, he’s terribly scared of nearly all people, he’s not very big and most of the time he just stands there smiling and wagging his tail. But apparently this was enough to send this old bag into fits of anxiety. I just hope she didn’t have a heart attack afterwards. But this brings me to my topic of the week for the Sunday scribble. Fear, in all it’s shapes and forms.
To go back to this lady, in my mind her behaviour was purely out of an irrational fear. I’ve seen people who are scared of dogs, but they usually just keep their distance and are much more “aware” of a dogs presence. But this lady acted like she was trapped in a cell with a hungry Hannibal Lector. And it’s been scientifically proven countless times that people with irrational fears have almost never actually had bad personal experiences with that fear. I take for example, death. I find it hard to fathom, but some people are truly mortified (haha) at the thought of their own death. Now this to me is beyond ridiculous, for two reasons. First one is that, guess what, it’s gonna happen. As Benjamin Franklin so eloquently put, “In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.” You are going to die. Every person you know is going to die, it’s just a case of when and how. Some later than others, some less painfully than others, but it’s absolutely going to happen. And secondly, it’s kind of alright to die, because you won’t know about it. It’s like being really damn stupid. You aren’t aware of it personally, and it only really affects others. But, it’s a purely irrational fear. Nobody with the fear of their own death has actually experienced it. And the same goes for nearly all irrational fears, the sufferer has almost never had a personal bad experience with the object or subject of fear itself. Heights, for example. Is the person actually afraid of heights? Why? Because of falling? It’s not the falling that’ll kill you, it’s the big stop at the bottom. So is it the fear of heights, or the fear of death?
In doing a little research for this piece, I checked the interweb for the most common fears people have, and a couple of answers really quite surprised me. There’s all the usual ones;
Spiders (let’s also include snakes, worms, and every other small crawly thing) Totally irrational. Nearly all things like this are either completely harmless (death by worm, anyone?) or so totally fearful of people that they go out of their way to avoid us. Now, this has to be kind of ignored if you live in Australia, where the snakes and spiders and every other living thing is on a god-sent mission to kill you. But if you live anywhere else, you have (almost) no worries.
Agoraphobia, the fear of small spaces or a place you can’t escape from. Elevators, a crowded metro, anything that makes you feel confined. This must be a real bugger to have, as we have to experience these situations pretty regularly. But is there anything to be actually scared of? The smell of the metro in the summertime can be pretty frightening, and the sensation of breathing in the same air as others in a cramped elevator is really quite disgusting (dust, dead skin cells, germs, poo particles from farts etc) but it’s not really something to be frightened of. Once in London I was trapped in a broken train station elevator, with about 15 other people for about 20 minutes. The first few minutes people were joking, but soon the laughs turned to anxiety. When the doors finally opened several people were in tears. I just wanted to get to the pub.
And so the list goes on. The fear of flying, germs, storms, public speaking, blood, disease, commitment (ha!) and even the fear of the unknown (you’re afraid of things you don’t know about?! What the f….) all make up our most common fears. But the ones that really surprised me are the ones a lot closer to the heart. The fear of failure. The fear of rejection. The fear of being alone. When I read deeper into these it really showed me just how fragile we are, how many of us really need to be treated with care a little more than others. And this made me rack my brain and ask myself “what am I afraid of?” And surprisingly, it stumped me. Now I’m no superman, but I don’t actually think I’m afraid of anything. Of course I’m not fearless as such, there’s things I’m clearly aware present certain danger. I’m not going to go swimming with crocodiles ala Steve Irwin or go pick a knife fight with a Yakuza, but there’s nothing I’m actually afraid of. I love all animals and bugs, especially dogs and snakes. And I’m really quite intrigued by the notion of death, and moreso where we go next. I like heights, but to be honest I don’t like flying (but that’s just because planes are filthy vessels, and at my height I’m bloody uncomfortable on the flights I can afford.) So this prompted me to forget about evidence and science and anything rational, and dip my toe into the world of superstition…
Now horoscopes and the zodiac can oftentimes draw a divide between people. There’s the believers, who will swear that the stars and the cosmos have a profound affect on our lives, from the smallest of trivialities to the biggest of life directional choices and paths, that our destinies are already paved out before us and we are merely pawns in a universally bigger game. And then there’s the naysayers, who vehemently swear it’s all a load of complete bollocks. Personally my beliefs lie somewhere in between. I like horoscopes, I think it’s all a bit of fun, but I don’t really think it makes a profound affect on us really. (But maybe it does, and I’m more open than many to that concept.) So after a quick trawl of the interweb I found a common opinion on several sites, stating which star sign harbours which hidden fear. And, as many times before when consulting the stars, the findings were uncomfortably true..
But first of all, let’s clear something up. Sometimes we may encounter those who use their star sign as some kind of excuse for their behaviour. “Oh yeh, sorry for cheating on you, I’m like, a Virgo, (or whatever) and I can’t be tied down, it’s just who I am.” Now this is the biggest load of crap anyone will ever feed you to defend their actions. Do not believe, or accept, this pretentious drivel. So, I was born in January, (the 23rd actually, which makes my birthday, 1.23, the easiest to remember) which makes me an aquarian. The water carrier, but it’s an air sign (I can already hear the naysayers rolling their eyes and scoffing.) The supposed traits of an aquarian are of creativeness, individuality, and also coldness and the feeling of being distant, amongst others. For me it’s spot-on. I won’t go into too much detail, but for those interested in what might be your deep dark fears according to your star sign, here we go..
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Fear of institutionalization (like corporate work, school, hospitals, or marriage.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Fear of responsibility
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Fear of losing people
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Fear of financial instability
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Fear of making decisions
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Fear of leaving home, (They like to stay in their safe zone.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Fear of being ignored
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Fear of imperfection
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Fear of being alone
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Fear of intimacy
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) : Fear of enclosed spaces
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Fear of failure
There’s a lot more detail explaining these on the website (https://www.elitedaily.com/life/secret-fears-by-zodiac-sign/1503147) but many other websites all say roughly the same thing. I’m definitely not saying it’s true for all, but mine couldn’t be more accurate. Further reading enlightened me to the fact that fears are completely normal for most people, but irrational fears are just that. Irrational. There’s really no need to be scared of spiders or heights or (especially) dogs. (And if you’re going to be scared of dogs, be scared of the little ones, they’re the ones that snarl and bite like maniacs. The big ones are just lovable softies.) But to end this weeks Sunday scribble on a (kind of) lighter note, here’s a few things that my time on this planet has carved into my inner being as things that we really, truly, should be aware-dash-scared of…
Crossing the road. In fact, any time you’re even near a road. I read a couple of years ago that the major cause of pedestrian deaths by car collision is people using their phones whilst driving. It’s a scary percentage. In fact it was such a scary percentage that one day I decided to conduct a personal observation, and I stood by the road near my apartment and tried to count the number of people I saw using their phones whilst driving their cars along a reasonably busy road. I watch on for about 15 or 20 minutes, and the amount of people I saw focused on their phone screen instead of watching the road was somewhere near 30-40%. That’s insane. We’ve all been in a car when some child or old sod decides to just walk into the road or cross the street at a red light. Just 1 second makes a huge difference. In fact, a life or death difference. I live near a school, and I see kids running across the road and ignoring red lights every single day. If you’re a parent then please, drum some road safety into them. It’s a very hard message to read, but your daughter, your son, your wife or husband, parents or family, could very easily be killed by some driver checking a damned wechat message. Now that’s scary.
Taxi drivers. Just because you do something a lot, does not necessarily make you any good at it. We’ve all been in taxis where the driver is short tempered, blaring their horn, cutting in and out of traffic to get there quicker and pick up another passenger. But what many don’t realise is that taxi drivers are often doing this as a second job to earn extra income. On my way early morning drive to the airport recently the driver fell asleep three of four times and started wavering across lanes out of exhaustion. This has happened to myself and friends of mine, and just one fast collision could mean lights out for all involved. Add to this the recent accounts of Uber, Didi (and other car hailing services) reported accounts of abuse, molestation, sexual assault and even death, perhaps sometimes taking the bus might be the safer option. And for ladies, if you do take any taxi or private car then please sit in the back. Most of these drivers have no background check, they could be from any part of the country, and if you’re out of arms reach then you might also be possibly out of temptations reach. Be very careful, you’re in a confined space and you aren’t in charge. If you’re coming back from nights out then try to share a car with a friend. Please, just be aware.
Restaurants. Now mostly these aren’t lethal, but they can sure as hell ruin your week if you get food poisoning. I worked in the bar trade for over 20 years, and I’ve seen a lot of restaurant kitchens. Many are what we’d consider clean. Many are what most would consider unhygienic. And many are down right filthy. I’ve seen vegetables being chopped up on floors, meat left out in 35-degree heat all day and covered in bacteria, cockroaches crawling all over kitchen ingredients and a whole lot more. I once saw a lady take her shoes off and wash her feet in the same water she was washing the customer plates, and then continue to wash those same plates with that same water. We all love to be lazy and order delivery food, but do you know what that kitchen looked like? Strangely enough, places like McDonalds are often the cleanest restaurant kitchens, they have to be. They can’t afford to be involved in PR sickness scandals. Years ago I watched on as a barbeque restaurant in Shekou, then the wealthiest area of Shenzhen, set rat traps every night, then used the rats as barbeque meat. I even asked the chef guy as I saw him take the traps in late at night, and laughing to me his answer was “meat is meat.” Next time you’re out for barbeque, just think about what that is on the wooden skewer. When it comes to food safety I could go on and on, but it’s mostly to a crowd who don’t want to listen. It’s so hypocritical that most people want to be healthy, many consider themselves as such, but we blatantly ignore what we put in our mouths. Buy some vegetables and cook at home, it’s not hard, and stop making excuses. You do have time.
Personal hygiene. Now here’s the big one. We all think we’re clean. We all think we don’t smell, or that our hair isn’t greasy and full of bacteria. But guess what? (you already know what I’m thinking.) Many people (I’m definitely not saying most) are generally clean enough. But, many others are just walking lumps of oil and sweat and hair and germs. I know I’m a little OCD about personal hygiene, but I just don’t like dirty people. When I see a person with dirty or musty smelling clothes, dirty shoes or clothes that have been worn for days on end, all I can think is that if that is how they treat their outside image, the image that meets the world, then what’s underneath? And greasy hair. I just don’t get it. Girls in China have the most beautiful hair on the planet, gorgeous black, straight hair, and so many look like they haven’t washed it in weeks. Ladies around the world would kill for hair like that, but so many girls here use the “It takes too long to wash it/I can’t be bothered?I didn’t notice” route. I feel disgusted when greasy bacteria hair happens to touch me in the metro rush hour squeeze. Ugh. But you want to hear something really gross? Just consider how many men don’t wash their hands after using the toilet. Now I can’t speak for the ladies here, but my years in public toilets have shown me conclusive evidence that MANY men don’t wash their hands after dong their number 1 (or number 2) business. I’d guess at 3 or 4 in ten. And with men, when we use the toilet our hands definitely “get involved” with other body parts. Next time you shake hands with a guy, just think what was the last thing that hand touched. That hand possibly touched a winky. That winky hand touched your hand. Then you wipe your face or rub your eyes or even maybe eat something. Now you have winky on your face. The same with elevator buttons, metro handrails, computer keys, shared bikes and a lot more. So carry hand sanitizer, and use it often. Nobody wants winky on their face.