June 2021; build your own dream

So a couple of weeks ago I was on my way to the hospital to take yet another virus test, the third of that week. To fly to Beijing you had to present test results within 48 hours to ensure safety for other passengers, all very good and wise. Near my place there’s a tunnel through the mountain for cars to get rush-hour jammed in twice daily, and on this particular morning the traffic was far worse than usual. Slowly creeping along at a snails pace it eventually became evident that one car had decided to switch lanes, and oops-a-daisy crunched into another. Oh dear. Thankfully neither driver was hurt, just a lot of shouting and finger pointing and phone calls. Everyone's day went on as it would, and we all got to where we were going just a bit later than anticipated. But, sitting in the car and being washed over with feelings of frustration made me stop and think. Just imagine if it had been far more serious. Just say they were going significantly faster, and say one car hit the other at just the wrong place. There might be 1 or 2 or more people who never made it home that day. It’s something that’s been on my mind for the past few weeks, just how little we actually have control over some things. We go to bed every night and presume we’ll wake up to sunshine and breakfast. What if there’s an earthquake. What if some schmuck falls asleep with a lit cigarette in bed and the whole place goes up in flames. What if the police are banging on the door at 6am with terrible news. The list is endless. This weeks Sunday scribble is my small thoughts about something we don’t know, cannot predict, sometimes have zero control over, and yet we still mostly look forward to. Destiny.

When I was a kid I had dreams of the future. I never had much solid in mind, but I knew it would be something creative. In school I was useless at the objective classes. My maths was (and still is) terrible, and I couldn’t care less about science or physics or history. But I relished subjects like art, music and drama. I was the only boy in my year who took textiles class. When I was 14 or so I desperately wanted to be a fashion designer, but times were very different then. My textiles teacher abruptly squashed that idea when she called my mother into school to speak to her. In her words, she gently spouted “you shouldn’t be worried about his school behaviour, but something much more serious. Jay shuns maths and science, but thoroughly enjoys drama and art and textiles, and talks about wanting to be a fashion designer. Only gay boys are fashion designers.” That was the end of that particular aspiration. I joyously left school and pursued music, and that eventually by some miracle brought me to China. But in those years, from school to my early 30’s, I never would have imagined I’d be here. Looking back I realise now that so many things happened that were absolutely dealt to me by the hands of the gods. But seemingly, others had their paths already laid out. I used to have a friend, and by 21 years old he was married, bought himself and his wife 2 new cars on credit, and had bought a house on a huge and lengthy mortgage. The next 30 years of his life would be spent working endlessly to make payments, so at the age of 50 he can slow down and relax a bit. And he was incredibly proud of his situation, often mocking me for being such a bum in comparison. Now I’m not saying anybody is wrong for their life choices, far from it. But I cannot even think about owing that kind of money for so long, being chained to the debt until that time in life.

As I grew older I’ve watched near all my friends from London settle down, get married and have kids. Most have gotten divorced too and ended up pretty sour about it all. They’ve owned cars on credit and work hours and hours of overtime to afford their once a year holiday. I’ve never bought a car on credit, and I never wanted the responsibility of a mortgage. Now I don’t even own a car at all, I have a bicycle with a yellow duck bell. I’ve never been close to marriage. And I don’t regret a single thing. Yeh it would be nice to use 20/20 hindsight and bought the house, not wasting money here and there, etc, but hey you live and learn. I don’t actually have much now except for some cameras and a dog (he’s priceless and worthless at the same time), but I really believe the things you own actually own you. And sometimes I trace steps backwards. If I’d have bought the house my whole outlook on life would be so very different. Life would have gone from doing what I want, when I wanted to do it, to thinking the house payments rule the future. I would never have dared (or been able to afford) to tour Europe on a motorcycle so many times. I wouldn’t have been able to travel for weeks at a time playing gigs in different countries with the bands I was in. I wouldn’t have seen the places I’ve seen, met the people I’ve met, lived stoney broke from time to time and got through the tough times just fine. I probably would have settled down into a routine, got hooked up with some girl and lived a very uneventful existence. And that’s fine for some, for many. But not for me.

If we look back completely honestly over our lives, just how many things have happened to us all that we never saw coming. Good and bad. The relationships, the family stuff, the things we’ve witnessed, so much of it completely by chance. There’s an old but really quite good British movie called Sliding Doors. In it the main character is rushing to catch the metro, and then the story splits. In one scenario she misses the metro and the door closes, and her life unfolds from that moment on. And in the other scenario she catches the metro, gets home from work early, and finds her boyfriend in bed with another girl. Just how different could our lives be, from something as insignificant as missing the metro. But there’s so many other things that happen to us every single day that could change our lives forever. Taking the taxi on a rainy day or when the driver is exhausted from overworking. Crossing the street while focusing on our phone. Not sending the food back when it tastes strange at the restaurant. Missing the metro. Just imagine if we were able to have a conversation with ourselves at 16 years old, how would the young you feel about how life has panned out? I guess most of us would be happy about a few things, sad abut a few things, and damn well annoyed about some things. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to go back and do things differently. To be able to offer some real guidance and advice about what lies ahead. Our destiny. That’s one conversation I wish I could have had.

One thing that I heard a hundred times when I was a kid is that as you get older, life goes faster. As a cocky little monkey I thought all the old timers were talking rubbish, I assumed when you get old that time somehow slows down like your old bones do. But, it’s absolutely true. Now I feel the years fly by. And one thing I mistakenly told myself before is that you can’t change much as you get older. I told myself you’re too old to change this situation, this job, this life. But now I know it’s not true. If you truly want to, you can turn your life around in a heartbeat. It just takes courage. Many of us are in the situations we are in simply because we’re used to it. We may not be super content, but we’re used to being not particularly happy. But we can change this, it’s never too late to shake things up a bit. I never cared much for study when I was younger, I graduated from the school of life and the university of hard knocks. But now I would absolutely adore to study for a few years, get a degree in something meaningful that could make a positive difference to the world. But I tell myself I’m too old. Not enough money to take 2 or 3 years off. I tell myself it’s too late, when deep down I know it’s not. I just don’t have the courage perhaps. Wiser old me would definitely be telling cocky 16 year old me to think a little more about the future and study, you idiot.

We’ve all made some silly mistakes, and we’ve all missed some splendid opportunities. I’ve always been a big believer in the old adage “it’s better to regret something you did than something you didn’t do.” I generally ask myself “why not?” instead of “why?” And of course I’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way. But I’ve learned from them. Nothing is really set. Life can come along and flip your world at any time, so why not do something a little out of character every now and then. Have fun, and don’t settle for less. Enjoy the days, and cut things out of your life that don’t bring you happiness, be that work stuff or even people. And tell the people you care about you love them. Have that conversation with the 16 year old you. What are you going to say? Be honest. Are you truly happy how things have ended up? What would you or could you change? How? And bloody well do it. It’s far easier to sit back and feel sorry for ourselves than muster up the courage to change life, but we can. We absolutely can. Before we get so old that we physically cannot change much at all. And truly, that day will come.

Before I came to China there was only one person who could have stopped me from leaving London, and that was my dad. He was a very strong, proud man, but he was terminally ill. He had been given 2 years to go and he lasted 7, he was always a fighter. When I found out about the chance of moving here, I talked with him. I told if he wanted me to stay there with him, until the end, I absolutely would. No question. And his reply still echoes inside my mind today as much as it did then. He said “no, go. You have to go. You cannot live your life for other people.” He lasted another couple of years after I moved to China, then left the world peacefully. But I think those words are a pretty good thing to keep in mind. You can’t live your life for other people. We think that we are solely responsible for our destiny, and partially we are. And partially we are not. If this last 18 months has taught me it’s that at any time, our world can be turned upside down, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. So instead of riding the waves, be the captain of your own ship. If you’re not building your own dream, someone will hire you to build theirs.