Dec. 2020; sobering thoughts

It’s a pretty sobering thought that this year has only got 10 days left. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling like 2020 was just January, February, and then December. One thing I was told by handfuls of senior people when I was younger is that as you get older, time moves quicker. I’ve never personally subscribed to this, I’ve always thought that time goes quicker because as you age you have less and less time (and energy) for fun, and more and more priorities like family, income, and making sure your kids don’t turn into psychopaths. But this difficult year has for sure flown by quicker than any other, in my minds eye. Before we know it we’ll be hearing auld lang syne playing some place, there’ll be cheers from houses and pubs, and then we’ll be at the beginning of another new year. But has this year been all bad? For some, many, absolutely. Many have heartbreakingly lost family and loved ones. For others they’ve been able to make the best of a bad situation, and not only find a way to keep the wolf from the door and a roof over their heads, but some have even prospered this year, and good for them. I admire anyone adaptable and intelligent enough to turn bad times into good times. My year has been pretty sweet and sour, some good times scattered in between the less good times. But one self adhered tradition I’ve always done around this time of year is to sit down for a while and take it all in. Take a deep breath and time for a little reflection, and think about what’s next. And what is next?

I’m a firm believer in not letting people treat you like crap, in any situation. In whichever context, if another person is making you feel undervalued, unhappy, regularly disappointed or worse, just bite the bullet and get the hell out of there. Sometimes in conversation somebody will mention they’re divorced (or want to/will be) and my first reaction often surprises them when I say “good.” If you’re with someone and they make you feel so bad you’re prepared to go through all the drawn-out crap to get a divorce then good for you. Life is real short, we shouldn’t live our lives for other people and we definitely shouldn’t let our happiness be so badly affected by another. I’ve also never understood people who grudgingly stay with someone “for the kids sake.” Sorry, but do they seriously think that two miserable, arguing parents who live together is better for their children’s mental well-being than two happier parents who live separately? I began my year in a job I was previously happy in, but new ownership and an incapable new boss was gradually enough to chip away at me and to think “I’m worth more than this,” and wave sayonara. The only issue was that nobody was prepared for the happenings of this year, and I quit just a week before the time of the coronavirus impact. Some things you just cannot plan for. 2019 was strawberries and champagne, but this year has been much more like cup noodles and Tsingtao. But I’m absolutely not complaining, it’s been a tight year but myself and the people I know around me have all been healthy and happy, frustrated at what’s been going on but still breathing and finding a way to get by.

I took the sudden downtime to read and learn as much as my limited grey lump would allow me to. An annual tradition that some people choose to adhere to are the much spoke about new years resolutions. You pick a few things about yourself, your life, your situation you’d like to somehow change or improve, and (with varying degrees of dedication) try to stick to them in making stuff better for you. Quit smoking. Eat less ice cream. Murder husband and not get caught, that kinda thing. Mine was to learn and/or create something every day, and except for the odd day here and there I’ve actually managed to achieve it. It’s surprising how much you can do, if you set your mind to it. For 2021 I’ll try something similar, but with more focus, more direction. One of my several personality flaws is lack of direction, and I hope I can improve on this. When it comes to learning stuff, setting goals and targets, I’ve always been one of those people that needs to write it down. Having it floating around in the deformed coconut on top of my shoulders is not enough, I need a pen and a notebook and write that sucker down. My thoughts and introspections on this year are still somewhat vague, but they’re forming clearer by the day.

One thing I’ve never been big on is regrets. Or worrying. I kinda feel like if something is wrong and you can change it then do, and then no need to worry. And if you can’t do anything to change it then why worry anyway? Seems like a waste of energy to me. But regrets are the things that can really chew you up, and not for days or weeks, but sometimes years, a whole lifetime. The guy who smiles at you in the elevator but you were too nervous to speak to. The dream job you felt too inexperienced to apply for. The girl you almost kissed. I’ve been blessed with very few regrets in life, the biggest problems I’ve faced have been entirely out of my hands. I left home at 16 and have lived completely independently ever since. It wasn’t easy, but I’m still standing. If I could go back and do it all again there’s for sure a few things I’d have done differently, but not drastically differently. “You’ll never regret the things you did as much as the things you didn’t do.” A couple of jobs I should have taken, a couple of jobs I shouldn’t have left maybe, but not much more than that. I’ve hurt some peoples feelings, mostly by accident and sometimes damn right on purpose, but you can’t take that stuff back so easily. One thing I did do was to turn my back on a previous friend, to absolutely wash my hands of him, and it was for his own good. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to work.

There was a guy I’d been friends with since pretty much first arriving here in Shenzhen. We used to frequent the same cheap little bar together. I was a musician earning just enough to get by, and several nights a week after I finished playing we’d bump into one another at this spot, sink a few cold ones and put the world to rights. Even back then I knew he liked to dabble in recreational drugs, but not to the point of a habit. But his drinking was his issue. He was a messy, loud, and often abusive drunk, and he would get drunk pretty easily. And yes, he was also one of the kindergarten undesirables I mentioned last week. Somehow he managed to net himself a pleasant local girl, and they got married. She helped him endlessly, and eventually he started his own business teaching little ones from his home. For a while he seemed happy enough, he was making two or three times what most others I knew were, but in time some kind of resentment towards his wife manifested. He would blame her for all the problems or issues with the business. In fact he would blame her for almost everything that went wrong in his life. He would openly berate her in front of others. He would criticize her ideas and hobbies, to the point of endless arguments. Eventually, as he worsened and she hardened, she grew the strength she needed and left him. But now, without her help, his business began to die. I assume she did a lot more for him than he gave thanks for, but after several months his toxic personality had grown to the point of being unbearable to others.

His rudeness and agressiveness to people we both considered friends became inexcusable, and one evening it all came to a head and that was that. I was one of the last people willing to give him the time of day, but even I’d had enough. The problem was that his unhappiness could never, and would never be helped by another. Misery loves company, and these kinds of poisonous people will just drag you down with them. It wasn’t until this point that I fully understood that sometimes a person has to totally hit rock bottom before they can try to crawl back out of it. Some people need to truly have alienated all others before there’s nobody else to look at and blame for their personal situation. He clearly had gotten to this stage. It actually felt pretty low to wash my hands of him, but it needed to be done. Soon he left Shenzhen and figured that his problems would be left behind. But as the wise know, you can’t bury problems that you are the cause of. You are the problem. I’ve heard next to nothing from him over the last couple of years except a very brief series of messages, and he was just as blaming and toxic as ever. Shame. At times he could be truly lovely. But do I regret turning my back on him? Perhaps. Perhaps I could have done something to bring him to his senses, but I don’t think I had the capability. But I do wish he was somehow still the good person he used to be.

And so what lies ahead for you in 2021? What plans have you made or what goals have you set? It’s hard not to feel optimistic about next year, it surely can’t be as bad as this one. My year is ending with a much needed smile. I’ll be taking a break from the Sunday scribble for a couple of weeks, to go see some very special people in Shanghai, Jiaxing and Ningbo, see in the new year with fresh hopes and clear eyes. Let’s all wish for new opportunities, stronger friendships, deeper love and much, much laughter. Maybe some will move to greener pastures, maybe some will plant roots where they already are. Maybe some will find new love, and maybe some will move on from no love. I hope we can all make a positive change. However your end of 2020 may be, I wish you all the very best, be happy and healthy, cherish those loved ones around you, and see you in the new year.