Jan. 2021; Foot off the gas

Speaking for myself, one of the few positive side effects of the whole terrible 2020 was starting this Sunday scribble. Something like it had been floating around in my deformed coconut for quite some time, but there was always an excuse why I hadn’t turned thought into action. It’ll take up too much time. I don’t know where to get started. Nobody will read it so what’s the point. All of these were pure hogwash I resolutely fed my grey lump, to placate myself with a viable excuse until the next time the thought crossed my mind. But clearly, these were excuses and not reasons, and there’s a big difference right there that many people fail to understand. I didn’t come to dinner with your parents because I didn’t have anything special enough to wear (excuse.) I didn’t come to dinner with your parents because your father clearly hates me and your mother scares the life out of me (reason.) Sometimes writing these Sunday scribbles comes out as natural as a duck takes to water. And sometimes it’s like a long overdue trip to the dentist. Sometimes I just. Get. Stuck. I have a vague idea in mind and I get myself ready to embellish on it, wishing the words will flow like a wet season river. I crack my knuckles, pour myself a beer, and pray the universe articulates itself though my fingertips. But nope. Mental constipation. I write a little, read it back and it’s just dishwater. And by personal morals, I cannot let anybody waste their time reading this if it’s just crap. I’ll try again tomorrow, I tell myself.

But one quote that rings the dinner bell for me, gives me a damn good shake and a well deserved slap round the chops is by the legendary author, Stephen King. When asked about motivation and writers block, he came back with the perfect answer; "Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work." Bam, swift, simple and to the point, and oh so correct. Now this is a guy who’s wrote over 65 books and over 200 short stories, plus advised on dozens of movie scripts (The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, It, The Shining, Stand By Me and soooo many more.) That’s more books than many people will ever read in their lifetime. But I tell myself it’s easy for him, he’s famous and accomplished and a master of his craft, he doesn’t face the day to day crap I do… (yes, more excuses.) But, what about when the motivation, the reason for attempting to accomplish something, just disappears from life. What about when all hope feels lost, you feel alone as the last person on earth, and it’s just a struggle to drag yourself out of bed in the mornings. Now this is something serious to consider, and I hear about more and more people suffering from this black dog in Shenzhen than any other place I’ve been to or experienced. The word is Depression.

A couple of years ago a well known photographer came to Shenzhen, and several of us from our photo group went to hear his presentation, ask some questions and shake hands, and generally feel like a worm staring face to face with an eagle. After his presentation he stayed in Shenzhen for a few days, and created a photo book about his feeling of the people here. The portraits are blank faced, solemn and bleak. In his words, “I have seen the future and it is now, and it is China. There is no need for the past. It can be erased. A new happiness is being constructed, an approximation of joy, better than the real thing. I was struck by the way that so many places in China’s cities are lit. Trees cannot be simply trees, they need to be fantastically red at night. I had the sense of a simulation of happiness. The approximation of joy.” This struck a chord with me. Having travelled a little in our glorious country, especially with my recent trips to Shanghai and Beijing, it really hit me how Shenzhen people appear to not be particularly happy. Perhaps happy isn’t the correct word, let’s say content. In all the places I’ve experienced, I’ve never seen people with so much who appear to be so dissatisfied. I’ve seen first-hand how people in other cities and areas, from throbbing metropolis’ to small villages, people enjoy their lives more than here. They take time out to relax, they make real time for friends and loved ones. Family time is more important than “make money” time. I’ve said it before, this is not the place to enjoy your retirement, but it is really just a hub to make some money and leave from? The infamous Shenzhen speed is well known around China, but what goes hand in hand with that is unbearable amounts of pressure, stress and worry for some. And this can quite easily manifest itself and grow into a serious mental health problem. And what do most people do to help themselves? Absolutely zero. But why…

Mental health has unfortunately taken a back seat in most peoples lives. People push it down and bury it deep inside, thinking it’ll go away in time, I’m being silly, it’ll sort itself out. But guess what. It doesn’t. It’s like hungry dogs in the basement. You can keep them down there for months, even years, but one day they’ll come out. One major obstacle here is the stigma attached to seeing a mental health professional. A psychiatrist, a shrink, a counsellor, whatever you may call them, seeing one still has a massive tainted blemish attached to them here. The same in the UK too, but thankfully it seems to be improving. From my understanding, the issue here isn’t the actual person having the nerve to visit the shrink, it’s the total humiliation if anybody finds out. And I’ll be brutally honest now, people here just love to gossip. From the outside it seems ridiculous. If you break your arm or get sick you go to the hospital and see a doctor for treatment. If you can’t see so well you go see an optician and get some glasses. But if the you’ve got a problem upstairs you’re meant to just figure it out on your own? It’s such a shame that so many people find the judgements of others to be so important, so damning to their own well-being, that they struggle through life when they needn’t.

What I see all too often is people putting others, parents, judgements, expectations, colleagues and bosses opinions, kids demands and societies “buy this shit and you’ll be happy, or you’re a loser” tactics, forcing so much unbearable pressure on to our shoulders that one day people just snap. People put on a happy face, day after day, month after year, and then one sunny afternoon they just lose it. They fall asleep exhausted at the wheel and mow over a bunch of people crossing the road. They fail a maths test and pop open a bottle of sleeping pills. They’re accused of under performing at work and take a walk off the roof. You can read these stories in the news every single day, but why does it end up like this? It’s not society telling the teenager she needs to score minimum 90 on the maths test, it’s the parents. It’s not the colleagues telling the mid-level manager they need to close more deals and make more salary, it’s the spouse and the parents oh-so desperate to keep face. We can blame work. We can blame the expense of city life in China, we can blame the cost of after-school lessons for the kids and car payments and mortgage and a dozen other things. But what do I really think is the biggest reason for these peoples’ personal life without balancing equilibrium? Family. Yep, I said it. Family. The people closest to you, your nearest and dearest, can also often times be the main source of pressure, worry, and simple unhappiness. Now as always, this is just my opinion. This blog is how I see things here, it sure as hell doesn’t mean I’m right or correct in any way, it’s just my simple opinion.

(*Side note; Test scores. When I was a kid back in London, if I scored over 60 on a school test it would be a time for celebration. “I didn’t completely fail! Woo-Hoo!!” Here in China, if a kid scores an 80 a lot of parents will accuse them of sheer laziness and demand they study harder, see friends less, focus, study study study, and generally forget being a kid and stop enjoying childhood. Evidently this leads to a lot of “smart” kids with serious communication, interpersonal and creative limitations in the future. You want a kid who’s top of the class right now, or a well rounded human being in the future? Education clearly does not equate to being a good person. Think wisely, parents.)

But now let’s read something scary. I spent some time researching this, and it left me really quite speechless. In China, suicide is the fifth leading cause of death, and accounts for over one-quarter of suicides worldwide. One-quarter. In contrast with many Western countries, in which men are more likely to commit suicide, most suicide victims in China are women. China's economic boom has led to greater independence for women, who are now much more able to get divorced as a means of dealing with such issues as marital abuse, infidelity and domestic violence. However, the strain of divorce means that they must work long hours while raising their children, often without family support that the culture has traditionally relied on in the past. When women show the strain of their stressful lives and are admitted to a hospital for psychiatric care, they are likely to be discharged much sooner than their male counterparts. They feel that they need to return to their jobs and families as quickly as possible, even if they are not ready to do so. Additionally to this, many insurance companies do not cover hospital stays in cases of attempted suicide. These strains have exacerbated suicide among ladies in China. Nearly all this is from a toxic cocktail of pressure, stress, society, expense, expectations, demands, and of course, family.

Now obviously I’m no mental health professional. I’m just a guy who watches things and reads stuff and talks to people. But if I were to offer any kind of advice, any kind of words that might help in any small way, it wouldn’t be to the person ready to snap. It would be to their family. The husband, the wife, the parents and even the kids. Take a look at the people closest to you. Think about their day, think about their responsibilities. Think about how you fit in to that. How much are they working? How much are they worrying? When was the last time you heard them laugh, really laugh, laugh so much they made that snorting sound like a pig. How is their diet, their smoking, their down time. If you are close to anyone with issues with any of these, you can help. Yes, you can. Just think, notice them, consider their lives. How can you stretch out a hand and offer a little support. It could be as simple as cleaning the house, asking them about their day, listening, rubbing their shoulders or making their morning coffee. You can help.

This weeks Sunday scribble is not meant to bring anybody down, in fact quite the opposite. It’s meant as perhaps a small reminder to us that we, as family and as friends and as a society, should sometimes look beyond our own personal bubble and notice those around us a little more. We put so much value on “things” that we lose the closeness of people around us. Ask most people if they’d prefer to buy a new iphone, or spend the same amount on a weekend at the beach with their friend, and guess what the results will be. I’ll end this weeks piece with an all-too-true story of something that happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. He was 33 years old. He had a wife and 2 kids and 2 parents living with them. He worked every day, a lot of overtime, plus he was trying to make extra on the side, however he could. He lived on hotel buffet lunches, cigarettes and coffee. One day he was walking through Futian, he doubled over and he hit the floor. Heart attack. He died right there, on the street, with strangers around him. Now do you think his wife would trade her husband for the car or that nice big fancy apartment? Do you think his children would trade their father for the private school education and their ipads? Would his parents choose the judgements and opinions of their friends over having their only son alive?… That’s the reason he died, and it’s inexcusable. Would he still be dead if he had reached out and asked for help? Asked his wife to reconsider their status, his job, his income, even help from other family, friends, a professional…In a place like Shenzhen, or possibly any city, any place, many of us know people like this. Maybe we are those people. But we all need to take the foot off the gas sometimes. Ease down. Life is for living.